I’m the literal definition of ass.
Living in the moment is tricky when I’ve always been so caught up with the future and the past. I’ve been trying to take life as it comes these past few weeks. Now that I have no job, and no purpose, it’s all I can cling to. Because if I don’t, there’s the fact that I have no source of income (my bank account is depleting rapidly), or that I don’t start school until JANUARY, or my friends are all leaving, or that I really have no direction in life… and then, there’s the panic attacks that come after those thoughts. All of this planning has seemingly gotten me nowhere, and while I am having one of the best summers yet, I really have to wonder about why I am not moving forward.
For the time being I just want to be, to exist, and I think I will figure things out.
The last thing I want is to forget how to live before I ever do.
Stumbling upon photos from France and being able to say “I’ve been there” is probably the best experience. Aside from the experience of actually being there.
school is out and i still love you.
bras are so expensive like i didn’t choose the boob life the boob life chose me
Babies scare me more than anything. They’re tiny and fragile and impressionable—and someone else’s! As much as I hate borrowing stuff, that is how much I hate holding other people’s babies. It’s too much responsibility. Of course they are lovely and warm and adorable, and it’s so funny when they decide they like you and hold you in return, but I am frightened of doing something wrong that will alter them forever. Give them a weird look and they might be talking to their therapist about me fifty years later.
It might not be a fear of kids themselves, as in truth I usually get along with them pretty well. They like my tattoos and my uncomplicated child/adult face. They identify with my orange shoes. I look like I would let them get away with stuff, and I do. My fear of having children is that, frankly, I just don’t want to love anyone that much. I have my own problems with love, and I have processed and played the same games for a lifetime, but what if I had to do that with someone I actually MADE?! (Or went all the way to China and adopted. This is not a joke—I have long thought I would adopt one of those baby girls from China, because really, who’s going to know the difference?)” —Comedian Margaret Cho on on (not) parenting. (via explore-blog)
despite my vegetable like state, i would like to wish to all of tumblr a happy mother’s day. the day’s finishing up, but our love for mothers is not. thank you mom for everything you do! i know it seems like i don’t appreciate much that you do for me, but i would be nowhere without you. i often think about what my life would be like if you and dad had not adopted lindsey and me. it scares me. your unconditional love is something i would not want from another woman. i love you from the bottom of my heart.
School is ending fast and I’m so caught in the moment that I’ve forgotten how to feel. Every now and then I experience a glimpse of sadness, nostalgia, excitement, but they are too soon whisked away by the doing doings of Life.
Now that I’ve recently quit my job I see it all very clearly: this is Life and Nothing more. If I regret one thing it is keeping my job throughout the year; I should have quit in December or earlier. I kept on for greed’s sake, but Europe’s a month past and my heart is still swollen.
Tomorrow is my last official day of high school. It’s a Monday. Graduation is in five days. It’s a Friday. Why do they just seem like days?
Something is wrong here.
when barbie hugged me
i smelled the rain.
everything about her burned
like the candle’s last waxy tears.
it wasn’t sadness i felt
steaming out of her forehead.
it was longing.
let it all rain down
from the blood stained clouds
come out, come out
to the sea, my love
and just drown with me
-daughter, in the shallows
the dumbest part about liking someone is not knowing if they’re being flirty or friendly and having to play the “does he or doesn’t he” game
ain’t nobody got time for that
Having to remind myself that sometimes it’s okay to not have a direction.
But mostly it’s probably not. [Okay].
Taking a deep breath to assuage the panic that rises when it hits me that I’m not going to college next fall. And I quit my job for the second time, this round for real.
like ice cream on a cone
everything you ever said
melted straight down
into my bones.
you shouldn’t be so good to me.